Memorandum

Recently I opened an old reference book I used for many years while working as an accountant.  An inserted page fell out and many old memories returned.

About twenty-five or thirty years ago I was working for a small company where the owner was, uh, well, not my favorite person.  The hours were long and most were without compensation.  Breaks of any kind were not allowed.  Speaking to another employee was a firing offence.  And DO NOT be caught on the phone, even if one’s job was to answer the phone.  Fortunately the owner was usually not in the office. 

I developed a good working relationship with the owner of a vendor company, and began to realize she understood full well the circumstances where I was employed.  One day she asked me if I had already received my daily beating.  I laughed, but the thought stayed with me.  After a few days had passed, I had a very slow afternoon and wrote the following memorandum.  After sharing it with the vendor company owner, I tucked a copy away in my reference book where it remained all these years.  I didn’t forget about the memorandum I wrote, I just forgot about where I had placed it. 

In another job I was required to make sales and deliver product to various customers around the city.  In several offices, backrooms, break rooms, and work areas belonging to these customers, I encountered copies of the memorandum I had shared with the vendor at my previous company.  I occasionally wondered if any company had ever actually adopted it.

M E M O R A N D U M

TO:  ALL EMPLOYEES

FROM:  MANAGEMENT

RE:  COMPANY BEATINGS

Management has listened to your complaints about the company beating policy and has decided several changes to the policy are in order.

1.     Merit beatings will be eliminated; however, random beatings will be increased in order to create a more even distribution among all workers.

2.     Weekly beatings will now be alphabetically rather than by seniority.

3.     Any employee who misses the weekly beating must make up for the missed beating with two beatings on personal time.

4.     All employees must submit to beatings both before and after filing any complaint.

5.     New job applicants will be test beaten.  Any applicant failing the test will be beaten until satisfactory results are achieved.

6.     Voluntary beatings must now be by appointment only.  Friends and other non-employees will no longer be allowed to participate.

7.     Any employee failing to comply with the new beating policy will be beaten.

8.     The improvement of morale at work may result in fewer beatings, although they will not be eliminated in order to serve as a reminder of what happens when morale is low.

Please continue to express your concerns to management.  We pride ourselves in our ability to respond to our employees’ needs.